Little does the world know that hidden and
living among us is actually a legion of brain-feasting zombies. If anything, movies have taught us that
zombies are uncontrollable. Be it a
world-wide virus or some kind of wicked human deformity, we will be completely
overrun with zombies soon enough, and we should all be prepared for the
fight. It’s important to know how to go
about killing zombies; otherwise you’ll be the zombie that somebody else is
endeavoring to kill. Everyone knows how
difficult killing the undead is, but don’t let that thought get you down! At least you know that it is possible. Let the knowledge of your one-in-eighty-seven
percent chance of surviving keep you moving and fast. There are many different
tools that can be used against a zombie, and the important thing to know is how
to use them to your advantage. We’ll
learn with the most widely known and easily accessible of weapons: a baseball bat, matches or a lighter, a gun,
a car, a piano, a large trailer, a steamroller, and a ninth century samurai
sword. It is intensely important that you learn to keep one, or more, of these
objects on hand or close to you at all times. You never know when you’ll be
greeted with an attack by the walking dead. But first thing is first; we must
find out how to identify the monsters.
Zombies are easy to recognize once you know
what you’re looking for. Visually,
they’re absolutely ghastly. Their skin
tends to be very pale and flaky, sometimes missing large portions because of
the decomposition that happens after death. Imagine, if you will, the worst
possible case of leprosy walking towards you to give you a hug, and then eat
you. The zombie is unmistakably the most
disturbing thing you’ve ever laid your eyes on. And of course, with decomposing flesh, you
can imagine the smell. To the scent,
zombies are violently repulsive, most definitely the worst thing you can ever
point your nose in the direction of.
They don’t actually speak words; they merely moan, due to the fact that
when they transform into their zombie state, their brains slowly deteriorate
until they reach the point of being unable to form sentences or even small
words. They are the dumbest creatures you will ever have the displeasure of
meeting. The only things their rotting
brains can piece together is that they’re hungry, and that your head looks like
a lovely nut they’d like to crack open and eat.
The
first weapon to use is the bat. Of course, any long and hard object that you can
swing will do, but we’ll use this as our example and learning tool. I recommend a metal bat as they’re heavier
and more durable. Wooden bats are more
likely to break upon impact, and then you’re left without a weapon and an even
angrier zombie to deal with. Wooden bats
can also give you a splinter, which really hurt. You’ll want to use both hands
for more strength and aim. If left
without a second arm, because the zombie has eaten it, swinging with one hand
will do the job just fine. When aiming,
it’s important to know what exactly you’re trying to do. If you’re looking into the undead eyes of the
woman you used to call “Grandma” and can’t bring yourself to end her short,
messy walking-corpse life, but, at the same time you also have the strong desire
to not become her next Happy Meal, I suggest you attempt to faze the zombie.
For this, you swing the bat and hit the zombie in the body or legs. This will not kill the zombie however. This
will simply slow it down and cause confusion, giving you enough time to kick
yourself into high-gear and get away. Still, this is not the course I would
suggest. When faced with a zombie, I
feel it’s important to put away any emotional connections you may have had with
who this zombie used to be. You need to
remember that this is not the same person you once knew. They have no problem eating you or anyone
else who crosses their path. For this reason, you should have no problem ending
their undead life, stopping them from continuing to spread the epidemic. If it helps at all, you should know that the
life of a zombie is a miserable one.
When making the final kill, you are doing the zombie a great favor by
putting it out of its misery. So, to make the kill, you will swing the bat,
powerfully and without hesitation, at its head.
The goal is to either remove its head completely, or to create a dent in
their skull great enough to cease use of their brain. When doing this, I feel it helps to channel
yourself back to when you were a child in little league tee ball. Simply imagine the zombie’s head as a very
large baseball just sitting on top of a very large tee. It gives you a sense of calm during a
situation that can be very stressful.
Being calm helps you think clearer, which is important when your life is
at stake.
You should also realize that, despite what
your lying parents have told you, fire is actually your friend. Contrary to popular belief, lighting a zombie
on fire is, indeed, enough to kill them.
Of course, it helps if you have a bit of lighting fluid or gasoline to
speed things up, but their rotting flesh is quite enough fuel for the
fire. Eventually the fire will melt the
zombie’s brain into liquid, and they will no longer be a threat. Although either will work, I suggest using
matches over a lighter. Matches can be
flicked at your attacker from a safe distance. When working with a lighter, you
are required to be up close and personal with your zombie pal, which you always
want to avoid, if possible.
While guns are an easy and lovely way of
disposing of human men and women, it’s a little more difficult to use guns to
dispose of zombies, but it is possible.
The key to using guns on the undead is that no shot will stop them or
kill them, with the exception of a head shot.
Steadiness is important, so you must have excellent aim. Any shot below the eyeballs will do nothing
but infuriate the undead further. You
have about three inches, from between their eyes to the top of their head, to
make your shot count. It will take
around four shots into their brain to do the job, so always make sure you have
extra bullets. Twitching is normal.
If you’re fortunate enough to find keys to a
car that still works, use it to your advantage.
I don’t want to say “go hunting for zombies”, because it seems
absolutely barbaric, but I’m going to say it anyway. Go hunting for zombies. After the things you’ve had to deal with, it
is my belief that you are owed the invigorating satisfaction of this boorish
act. After safely locking yourself
inside your car, please remember to fasten your seat belts. Safety first!
Allow yourself to take an easy drive down the smooth streets of your
town. Upon spotting a zombie, you will
speed up ever so slightly, steer the wheel steadily towards the disgusting
undead creature, and brace yourself for impact.
Let the small bump fill you with warmth and contentment, and go again.
If you
have a stable fortress, pianos are very useful. Whenever passing a spare mini grand on the
side of the road, you should always pick it up and take it back with you, using
your trailer. Always keep your pianos on
top of your house. You can use either an
abandoned crane to do this, or a strong rope and thick tree branch to pull it
up. Keeping your pianos on your roof
will prove very helpful when your fort or home is being attacked by many
zombies at once. Simply climb on top of
your roof and shove the pianos off and on top of any group of oncoming
attackers. This act will crush multiple
zombies at once, making your life a little easier. You should keep in mind that any large, heavy
object can be stored on your roof and used in this manner. I merely have a special liking for pianos; I
feel that they add a bit of class, which is something we should all aim for
while trying to uphold a civilized society in the middle of mass chaos.
The steamroller method is actually a personal
favorite. If ever you’ve had the joy of
completely flattening something slowly, you would understand, and I hope
someday you will! The speed of the
steamroller is only slightly faster than the utter slowness of the zombie, but
it’s fast enough. If you’re worried
about handling something so large, have no fear. It’s like riding a bike, only it’s not like
it at all, and it’s loads more difficult. The key is to catch the zombies on
their toes, bringing them falling backwards and laying them straight down on
their backs. Breathe and relax as the
steamroller does the work for you. Enjoy
yourself!
The ninth century samurai sword is a
beautiful weapon and will only bring you complete fulfillment in your
slaying. It’s rather poetic any way you
use it. The key here is to give into
your samurai mentality. Completely allow
your ancient samurai senses to take over and direct the flow of your
movement. There are two possible killing
techniques available for use here. Each
insists that you keep both hands, if available, one over the other, on the
sword’s handle. The first technique will
have you swing around and come straight down on top of the zombie’s head, as if
chopping wood. The second will have you
swinging around to the side and coming straight across from one side to the
other. For this one you need to keep
your blade aimed directly at the zombie’s throat. The intent here is to completely remove the
zombie’s head from its body. Remember
that one cannot replace one’s sword in one’s holster until blood has been drawn
with the blade. Honor is at stake.
If any one of these points of attack is
taken, you will be saved from the onslaught of any single zombie. If you practice diligently, you will be
prepared for a complete takeover by the undead once the time comes. I have absolute confidence in the methods
I’ve shared with you. I have and will continue
to use them whenever faced with a foe of the walking dead. I hope someday to combine forces and become
comrades with you to stop the apocalypse of the undead. We can and will survive.
